Former US Drug Czar William Bennett wants to keep your kids safe from "sexting" ...

No food or drinkable water for 6,000,000 victims of flooding in Pakistan ...

Make the delicious carrot cake they serve on Rikers Island ...

Check your rear-view mirror, USA, as China passes Japan to become world's second largest economic power ...

Lindsay Lohan won't die young, says her media whore mother (who also says L.L. has no problem with drugs or alcohol) ...

Hewlett-Packard stockholders sue over the staggeringly ginormous golden parachute for departed CEO Mark Hurd ...

Priest reads Zsa Zsa Gabor the last rites ...

Lawsuit claims that Disney, Warner Records, and other companies spied on children's web surfing habits ...

KFC franchisees are clucking mad at corporate overlords ...

Jersey Shore star Nicole Polizzi can't trademark "Snooki" ...

Michael Douglas has a lump in his throat ...

Kevin Trudeau encouraged employees to try Scientology ...

Snake-oil salesman Kevin Trudeau has yet to pay a penny of his $37.6M fine to the US Federal Trade Commission for those ongoing deceptive TV commercials pitching medical cures and get-rich-quick schemes ...

After his infamous arrest, Paul Reubens turned to ancient gazillionaire Doris Duke for shelter from the storm ...

Bush-Cheney era White House speechwriter Marc A. Thiessen wants the Obama administration to "order the military to deploy" against Wikileaks ...

Senator Carl Levin (D-Michigan) gets a pie in the face ...

For the second time, US Supreme Court refuses to overrule $20K sanction against "birther" attorney-dentist Orly Taitz ...

Justin Bieber tweets an enemy's phone number to millions of fans; hilarity ensues ...

Whoa Nellie, says the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, stop right there and drop that ring, no gay marriage yet for California ...

Mel Gibson is OK (by Mel Gibson standards) after a minor wreck in Malibu ...

North Korea promises "a merciless counterblow to the U.S. imperialists" and to South Korean "traitors" ...

US Justice Department won't prosecute former Congressman Tom DeLay (R-Texas), but state charges loom ...

The Nielsen Company says wheat bread is now outselling white bread in the USA ...

Smitten guidettes mob Jersey Shore house ...

Laura Schlessinger says she's quitting her grotesque radio show in the wake of her recent racist rant ...

Eggheads at the Royal Society say vat-grown meat is what's for dinner soon ...

J. D. Salinger’s toilet is up for sale on eBay and the seller promises that the author really pooped on it ...

Ice-T was telling a righteous truth — his arrest was in error, and the cop who jailed him "pretty much was a punk b*tch" ...

Ringo Starr's childhood home is imperiled ...

Emma Thompson is writing a sequel to Peter Rabbit ...

Former Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-Illinois) is convicted on a single count of lying to investigators, and says he'll appeal ...

Estranged wife of Edward Furlong (cute kid from Terminator 2 who's no longer cute) takes out a temporary restraining order ...

Erykah Badu gets probation for "misunderstood" public stripping ...

Heidi Montag mourns the death of her plastic surgeon ...

American Apparel shareholders sue founder Dov Charney ...

Apple's app store dictator approves his own fart apps ...

Alexander Skarsgård doesn't wear a sock during nude scenes ...

Blackwater (a/k/a Xe) founder Erik Prince "needs a break from America", so he's moved to the United Arab Emirates ...

Lou Gehrig may not have had Lou Gehrig's Disease ...

US FDA tells folks to chow down on yummy Gulf seafood, as scientists measure toxicity and BP tells Gulf of Mexico fishermen to hide oily tarballs ...

Christopher Walken guest hosts on National Public Radio ...

Determined to out-kook the kooks, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California) wants a federal investigation of people who are alarmed that there are Muslims in Manhattan ...

North Korea takes to Twitter ...

Sherri Shepherd is the new host of The Newlywed Game ...

Laura Schlessinger says criticism of her "n*gger n*gger n*gger" rant infringes her First Amendment rights ...

Bank of America has a hard time accepting customer's death ...

Courtney Love settles lawsuit over Nirvana songs ...

Sarah Palin backs Laura Schlessinger over "n*gger n*gger n*gger" remarks, wants her to "reload" ...

Centers for Disease Control cordially reminds you that lots and lots of ordinary eggs are contaminated with salmonella ...

After only three misleading months, Associated Press debunks kooky misconceptions about a so-called "Ground Zero mosque" ...

Little Caesar's sends cease and desist letter to Mom & Pop pizzeria over "Pizza Pizza Pizza" on the menu ...

Superstar pitcher Roger Clemens is indicted for lying to investigators about using steroids ...

So after supermodel Naomi Campbell was given those "blood diamonds" by former Liberian President and alleged war criminal Charles Taylor, she gave the diamonds to Nelson Mandela's charity, where they were stolen by a board member ...

The "austerity measures" that were supposed to fix Greece's problems are dragging down that country's economy ...

White supremacist killer of radio host Alan Berg dies in prison ...

Fareed Zakaria jilts Newsweek for Time ...

The late Brittany Murphy's husband and mother slept together, but she insists that they didn't boink ...

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, returns to television ...

Bad news for pop star Wyclef Jean — turns out that to run for President of Haiti you have to actually live in Haiti, not New Jersey ...

Obama administration spokesdink officially announces that the President is not a Muslim ...

Rocker-hunter Ted Nugent pleads guilty to hunting law violations ...

Congressman Steve King (R-Iowa) says scientists who support the evidence behind man-made climate change are “frauds", and that "the answers are in the Bible" ...

Warner Bros sues to block "Harry Popper" condoms ...

Spencer Pratt threatens to tell us more things we don't care about — a book and a sex tape ...

Does New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman have to talk to "senior economic policy makers" to get so many things wrong? ...

Linguist John McWhorter demands: Free the Black Looney Tunes! ...

Los Angeles Police nab Faith Evans for DWI ...

Swedish officials file, then promptly drop rape charge against secretive Wikileaks spokesman Julian Assange ...

Pittsburgh Pirates clinch all-time all-sport record-setting 18th consecutive losing season (breaking their own record) ...

Starving, homeless women in Pakistan floods are barred by Muslim tenets from accepting aid from male relief workers ...

Is Justin Bieber the best thing to ever happen to zit cream Proactiv? ...

University of Georgia study estimates that 79% of the oil from BP's months-long gusher remains at large in Gulf of Mexico waters ...

Conan O'Brien teams with Jack White for new riff on Frankenstein ...

Janice Dickinson doesn't believe Tyra Banks' apology after comment about terrifyingly skinny model ...

Oklahoma police chief gets deferred sentence for beating his wife ...